Aasmaan neela ho ya peela ...

Just found my old diary in which I wrote this article , many years back in January 1997 . Probably I was less of a pessimist that time :) Loved reading it and so am sharing it with you .

                                I am .

" But what am I ? 
   An infant crying at the night .
   An infant crying for the light .
   And with no language but a cry ! "

            Many a times these lines by Tennyson appear so very meaningful . A simple question that has roused itself again and again in my consciousness is ' What am I ? ' Am I just a name , a tiny dot in this big , wide , mysterious world , existing without anything like a design or purpose !

            But , if I am just born to fade like a tiny bubble , without even leaving a mark behind me , then why do I think so much ...and feel so acutely ? And why do I dream ? Why do I often feel that my every step gives direction to where I am going and my every decision shapes my being ! If I am nothing more than a dot , then why do I feel I am evolving , and that with every passing day something more is added to me !
          Life to me is yet not a very clear phenomenon . I still don't understand it . Sometimes it seems impregnated with motives , inspirations and meanings. Another time it seems so purposeless , so superficial ! I somehow regard life as a process of evolution in which the organism has to make adjustments in an outer as well as inner world.... and this process goes on and on .
          But , it is not an easy process . The world around me changes and my experience of the external world changes my inner world .I remain static for a while , astonished with the changes...and then like a small child afraid of being left behind , who runs along with her parents to meet their long strides , I try to match my pace with the changes happening around me . Exhausted I manage to move at that pace when suddenly this thought flits across ...'Why ? Why so fast ?' ... and I stop .
          So long it has been just like this .Me .... a bundle of fears , hopes , dreams , mistakes , failures , fatigue , disappointments ...yet again faith, surviving instinct and a fresh attempt to learn something from every failure . Real life is not very attractive but pretty interesting .You are surrounded by people who think , and people who don't ; people whose reactions can't be anticipated , people anatomically so much like you , yet so widely different . Some - who rise and fight , some - who creep to a corner, few who smile at life , many more ... who sneer at it , and the majority that whines .
        Rarely do we come out of this ' I '. There is always this Me with Capital ' M '. My life , My world , My idea of happiness .What begins at ' I ', ends at ' My ' . The portion of world I see is ' My World '. I , a tiny insignificant dot like myriad others , so naturally assume such a significance at the centre of my world !! But , to each his own. If My world keeps me happy, thereby contributing as a unit to the happiness of the world , it probably is not a bad idea .For what else matters in this mundane existence ... but happiness .
        I remember watching the movie ' Naseem ' , in which the little girl asks her grandpa why the sky is blue ? He replies ' Because Allah didn't like it yellow .' The girl laughed at the answer knowing that grandfather is joking . And Grandfather said , " See you laughed . Aasmaan neela ho ya peela , muskurate rehna chahiye .'
        Such a simple logic to every mystery of life !! Whatever you are life - yet a stranger to me ; I know I'll befriend you some day .... for I know how to smile and I am learning how to live .

- Meeta .
15 /01/97 . Haldwani .